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HOW TO INSTALL SOFTWARE ON YOUR OWN COMPUTER Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box hat explains what kind of computer system you need to run the oftware. It should look something like this: SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS: 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE 3546 MB RAM 432323 MB ROM 05948737 MB RPM ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PAIR TREE. NOTE: Do not bother trying to understand this as the software will not work on your computer anyway. Still curious? Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope. Open the sealed envelope and read the piece of paper attached to the diskette or CD-ROM that says: "LICENSING AGREEMENT: By having opened this sealed envelope, the user has agreed to abide by all US and international copyright laws and agreements, which the user will have memorized, in addition to the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva convention, the U.N. Charter, the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of Oddfellows, and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Elvis Presley Estate or the Software Company, jointly or severally, shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to enter the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer, even at the very back if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light, never in the history of human, aba-daba-doo, finders keepers losers weepers, all we are saying is give peace a chance, thanks you've been a great audience, and don't forget to tip your servers." Hand the software to any child aged 3 through 12 and say: "[Name of child], please install this on my computer." If you do not have access to a child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key. Wait. Nothing? Hmmm. Check the cables at the rear of the computer terminal. Still nothing? Well, then, check the plug and ... Turn the computer on, you idiot. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen: "The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to install the program. Certain system errors may occur in the installation process that will render your computer inoperable. Is this OK with you? Choose one to click, and be honest: [OK] or [YES]. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in here. The installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe", "fester.dat", "languish.htm", "fecal.viz" and "doo.wha." When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:"CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately %&#- off ! " Try to run the software. At this point your computer system should crash. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package that you threw away and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

© Copyright 2008 R. Munroe xkcd.com (license: Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 2.5).

© Copyright 2011 R. Munroe xkcd.com (license: Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 2.5).